Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
