Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
