totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
