ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
