You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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