so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we made out on top of his cat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
