But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
