So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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