just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
