If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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