I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
