Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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