That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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