3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
