I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
