The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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