he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
