Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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