I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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