Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
