my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize