btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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