There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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