I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
