You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Who died my cat blue again?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
