Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
