I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
