i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
