You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
