That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
