Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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