i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
