I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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