The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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