She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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