You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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