You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
