You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
