as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
