dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
