thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
