Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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