he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
