I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
