I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
