i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
