She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
