The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize