i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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