How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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