How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
