At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
