I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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