I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
